A Killing Dose Redux: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story
by RuthieBelle
Summary: Did you get yourself all worked up over S13:EP9 "The Killing Dose"? What did you think really happened at the end? What do you WANT to have happened at the end? The answers are all over the spectrum amongst fans. (Just as you wanted, PM!) We do not own MM, or else we would be living on a tropical island in the Bahamas.
1. Broken Heart

**A Murdoch "Choose your Adventure" series of short story/vignettes. **

**Did you get yourself all worked up over S13:EP9 "The Killing Dose"? What did you think really happened at the end? What do you WANT to have happened at the end? The answers are all over the spectrum amongst fans. (Just as you wanted, Peter Mitchell!) **

**Fallenbelle and RuthieGreen collaborated on several plausible endings, had fun channeling PM's evil ways, and have reused/re-purposed portions of the tale(s) we wrote more than once, each with a slightly different twist. You get to pick the one you want, by selecting among the five chapters we have created for you and for which we have given you the following cryptic teasers. (And you have to read the story to see if what you think is happening, is really happening!) **

**Ch 1: ****Broken Heart** **\- Wherein Julia goes to the Hospital for comfort from Andrew Dixon and a shocked and devastated William goes to find her**

**Ch 2: ****The Huntsman** **\- Wherein William suspects his wife is going to Dixon for what he could not give her, and seeks another woman for himself**

**Ch 3: ****Midnight Train** **\- Wherein Julia suspects she was not the one, or not the only one to give a killing dose, and William realizes (once again) he can't live in his world without her, and will angrily defend his honour**

**Ch 4: ****Mercy** **-Wherein Julia seeks answers, and William may or may not have come to his senses too late. **

**Ch 5: ****Flight of Angels** **\- Wherein Julia seeks out Nurse Sullivan, gets some more bracing advice, and William will try and woo her back **

**You can, of course, read them all! Some are over the top, some are very melodramatic, but we hope you had as much reading them as we did writing them.**

**Tell us which one you like best. We know we did not write them all of the possible outcomes… Reviews, commentary, outrage - all welcome! **

A/N Thanx to Maureen Jennings for MM, and the show writers, especially writer Mary Pederson and director Mina Shum (and of course show-runner Peter MItchell) for this angst-ridden episode. Thanx to lovemondays for inspiration for Ch 5.

RuthieGreen wants to thank Fallenbelle for showing her the darkside-it is more fun over here! Tee hee-rg

Fallenbelle wants to thank RuthieGreen for joining her on the darkside...it is a fun place to play, but perhaps not stay.

Unbeta'd...all mistakes are ours alone. We did not send this to our usual Beta because we wanted to shock her as much as we hopefully shock you!

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE**

**Broken Heart**

**-J-**

She came home, removed her suit and immediately took a shower, anxious to remove the day's travail. Standing under the shower for god knows how long, all she could think was how William had told her "Let's go home," and then put her in a carriage alone, declining to accompany her and insisting that she not wait for him at the station.

He'd watched the carriage pull out and travel down the street, but he'd remained stoic, his face inscrutable.

She was well aware that William could be a cold hearted bastard when he was disgusted, but she'd only seen him behave like this towards her once before. She'd been sure that he no longer loved her then and she wondered if that was true now.

She chose a blouse and skirt that were amongst his favorites and and sat on the couch, eager for his return.

She hoped she was wrong. She feared she wasn't.

* * *

**-W-**

William's focus was still consumed with keeping everything…_**In**_.

_Keep everything in place. _

_Keep your wits. Stay professional. Do your duty. Keep putting one foot in front of the other._

If the past 24 hours had been hard, nothing had prepared him for the horror of being blindsided by Julia. _Again._ The solution had been almost worse: now Violet Hart, a woman he suspected of evidence tampering at best—and murder at worst- had a terrible secret to hold over the three of them.

_Focus, William. Concentrate. Work_.

This was what he needed to do to get through today, to survive and function. Hour by hour he felt himself getting smaller and smaller, diminishing, shrinking himself in a shell just to keep going. Every fibre of his being was taut, stretched to the breaking point, yet still he held on, pressed down with the weight of it all, like so many stones on his chest.

His usually agile mind rebelled against him now, his head stuffed with sawdust just when he needed to think clearly. Needed clarity more, now, he knew, than any time in the last days. All he wanted was simple understanding and time to digest it all; Yes, that was what he needed. Except the cold pit in his stomach sent a warning.

Now, he made his way, like an automaton, out of the carriage. He approached his front door with an awful mix of trepidation and resignation.

* * *

**-J-**

She hadn't really thought much at all, instead acting on pure instinct.

_Fight or flight,_ her brain supplied as she wondered what the hell had just happened. _At least I thought to grab my cloak. _Standing in front of the house, she paused, hoping he'd come after her.

He didn't. _You've done it this time, Julia. Your impetuousness has caused the unthinkable. He's fallen out of love with you. _

Taking a deep breath, she fastened her cloak about her shoulders and walked down the steps into the rest of her life.

* * *

**-W-**

William saw the clock's hands stop…

No words would come. He stood with his body twisted away from her and legs and arms frozen in place, while reality split in two.

_Below him, the man just stood there while the woman's long, graceful arm reached out towards him. The gesture was subtle, fluid, the muscles under her smooth skin flexing. In her precise and practiced hand was a blade so thin that the slice at his jugular barely registered even the mildest sting, even when he saw blood keep time with his heartbeat. The man looked at her, so disbelieving he did not raise his hands to stem the flow…_

_**Oh, Julia. Not again. Don't go….**_

Roaring in his ears drowned out the words he shouted from paralyzed vocal cords. His throat should have burned raw from the effort. The roaring drowned the sound of the front door slamming behind her. He only assumed it was slammed because of the push of air which swept the room and carried a page off the top of his desk which then drifted in a slow arc around the room, landing halfway between to her desk and his, symbolic of the spot she put him, _put them all in_.

And of the abyss between them. The one he did not attempt to close by reaching out to her.

_He saw that, clearly now, from his place by the ceiling in the corner of the room, removed from the maelstrom below. The man down there was in agony. Up here, there were no sensations, no passage of time, only detachment and untroubled observation. _

* * *

**-J-**

She'd promised him that she would never leave him again, vowing that she'd learned her lesson after the debacle that led to her first marriage.

_My first marriage...and now I can add a second failed one to that list. _With that thought, she started off down the street, not realizing for a few blocks that she was headed towards the hospital. Looking for him.

_Dr. Dixon. Andrew. He'll understand, he isn't judging me. _Squeezing her eyes shut, she shook her head, forcing all thoughts of William from her mind.

She wouldn't shed a single tear for that haughty sanctimonious man she had just left, quickening her pace to further steel her resolve. _I just need to be held-all I wanted from William was to hold me, I didn't expect him to condone what I did..._ she whined to herself as she again forced the thought from her mind. From somewhere in her memory, an unwanted thought bubbled up from her subconscious; one of another time when she had asked him to hold her and he'd obliged. Her throat burned but she would not cry.

* * *

**-W-**

_**Dear God, Julia…how could you? **_

…_The William-by-the-ceiling almost felt his heart squeeze…_

But that was not really what he was thinking. He was not certain he was forming thoughts at all. His mind felt blank, or more like a roiling smoke, nothing he could wrestle into cognition. He did not even know what he meant by the question.

"How could you have done this, Julia?"

_Done what? _I already told you I know your work comes with difficult choices.

_Done which? _I already told you I understand you did not take this action lightly.

"Does nothing constrain you? Your Hippocratic Oath? Ethics? The law? Where did you get the idea that this act of mercy was up to you? But you talked about taking this action with others...with Dr. Dixon…You only tell _**me**_ afterwards."

…_The squeeze might have tightened now, and at the edges of his awareness he noticed he was short of breath, which was so odd up here in this nice, safe space…_

"Julia..You took an action… an _illegal_ action. One that substituted your judgement for God's and risked your job, your liberty…one that you admit you did all on your own. You were aware enough of how dangerous it was because you did not want anyone else implicated…so you knew there would be a risk, one you were apparently willing to take…"

_...He saw that vision again of her, standing there, asking to close the distance._

"…Until it came to the law. I was investigating who murdered that girl… The autopsy specified a killing dose of morphine. Did you really forget what it was like to work with the constabulary? To try to solve a murder? You accused me of treating you like a criminal…Well, I was looking for who ended that girl's life, and who do I find...?

_**..You!**_"

* * *

**-J-**

With single-minded determination, her pace quickened as she climbed the front steps to the hospital. Her objective was clear: she needed to be held and if her husband wouldn't, she knew who would.

* * *

**-W-**

Unbidden, a vision formed in the fog, of him and Julia. Replaying their conversations. This time he was telling her, "I was in the middle of a murder investigation, you knew that. And just like last time…"

…_The William-in-the-corner of the room almost felt something tugging at his chest…_

"…like last time, you withheld from me…"

…_A wave of nausea slapped at William-on-the-ceiling, while the man below carried on. At least the man had finally gotten to the heart of it._

"…. How could you have considered all the variables except me? How did you really think you were going to get away with this? Then, what did you think I was going to do...? What did you think I _**could**_ do..?"

But there were no actual words, no actual thoughts at all. No. These were feelings, instinctive reactions from a primitive part of his brain… from before language and beyond reason. The painful feelings were growing. Rage, disgust, fear…shame, sadness…loss.

Jealousy. He knew Bella Cooper had feelings for her sister's fiancé…saw her look at him. And he had seen Dr. Andrew Dixon look at Julia….

All of a sudden, the clock hands started to move again, and the sound of Julia slamming the door behind her finally reached his ears. Then it was pain which slammed William into the man below, doubling him over, washing a cold sweat over him. The room spun. He reached for the nearest desk with his left hand to steady himself and clumsily toppled everything onto the floor- books, papers- his brass crucifix. He stared at it on the floor. Instinctively, he picked it up.

* * *

**-J-**

Stepping into the ward, she saw him immediately, and they glanced at one another and without a word, she walked straight towards the doctor's lounge, dark and quiet at this time of night as Andrew was the only physician on duty at this late hour. Knowing he would follow she walked towards the window, contemplating what was about to happen.

Hearing the door close behind him and hearing his tread, Julia closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.

_There will be no turning back from this. But do you have anything to go back for?_

She felt him stop immediately behind her. Sighing, she turned around and looked him straight in the eye.

* * *

_**-**_**W-**

_She's gone. _He gasped at the combined pain.

He stood there for a moment, tried to defend himself to the Julia-in-his-mind. "You know I cannot speak when I am overwhelmed. You know I need some time… See how I protected you? See how I respected you? See how little I asked from you? I helped you cover up a crime and roped the inspector into the conspiracy with us! This afternoon you asked me to talk with you, then when I did you didn't listen. I have empathy for how you feel; I have been willing to compromise, Lord knows! How can you think so badly of me when it is you who have ignored my feelings and shut me out?"

William set aside the pain; it was harder to fight down the panic inside. And then he realized the truth: this is how Julia is, how she sees the world and her place in it.

He thought about all of his own choices, all the decisions he has made, to act, or not. He thought about wishing Julia would try at least a little to understand his point of view; stop flying off, stop assuming the worst, stop always running away to protect herself from perceived rejection; even knowing she will never be anything other than who she is.

_She will always charge ahead. She will not think things through. And she will always instinctively want to leave me behind. _The knowledge of this deeper truth was brutal. _And I am always too slow to tell her how I feel, and when I do, she does not like what she hears. I let her go. Again… Julia left, believing I have rejected her, rejected our love, abandoned her. Dear God_, he prayed, _please protect Julia…I can live without her, but it is no life. _

Straightening up, he put the crucifix down and his jacket on.

_No...I can't live without her._

* * *

**-J-**

She couldn't bring herself to say anything, but this time she nodded her consent. Wasting no time, he stepped over to her and pulled her into his arms, his lips warm and moist, his tongue salty as it dueled with hers. At some point she felt her cloak being unfastened and heard it hit the floor.

Without realizing it, Julia discovered he'd also been walking them backwards as she felt her back collide against the wall and his own pin her body to the wall as his hands roamed her body, taking charge of their encounter in a way that William seldom did.

_Nor would he ever again, _as she forced thoughts of him from her mind yet again.

Tonight was a night for comfort, and Andrew understood that, was ready to offer it. She was ready to accept it, needed it. Her hands slipped to the waistband of his trousers, deftly sliding down the front, seeking him out, letting him know what she wanted. Moaning into her mouth, his hands slid down her backside and back to her blouse, untucking and unbuttoning it as they wordlessly moved to the bed in a hidden alcove-reserved for the physician on night duty. Removing her jacket, he pushed her onto the bed before following her down, his weight welcome and comforting upon her. A reminder that he didn't find her repulsive, that she wasn't as alone in the world as she'd felt the last couple of days. Pulling her blouse from her skirt, she pushed off his jacket, eager to divest him of his own shirt, needing to feel skin against her own.

"Oh, Julia," he murmured, cupping her breasts with his hands. "You are so beautiful," he whispered, his words of affirmation and desire a balm to her wounded soul.

She wanted to respond, but she found herself unable to say his name. She was too afraid that the name of another would slide out instead.

* * *

**-W-**

He grabbed his coat and hat and raced out of the house and down the street to find a hansom cab. _I must get her back. Her love means everything to me._ _She can't have gotten that far_…and with an ugly twist in his stomach he also knew where she was headed.

He yelled "Police business!" at the first driver he came across and ordered the cabbie to get to the hospital.

* * *

**-J-**

Again shaking thoughts of the judger, the one who found her morally deficient from her mind, she focused on the one she was with and she instead nipped at his ear, smiling at the gasp her action elicited as his day's stubble scraped across her face. As he shifted atop her, she felt his desire against her thigh and it was her own turn to gasp.

The enormity of what she was doing slammed into her like a brick house. What she really wanted was the comforting familiarity of her husband.

But it was much too late as Andrew pushed her skirt up and caressed her inner thigh with his thumb, toying with her garter.

She shivered, but whether it was in pleasure or sorrow she wasn't sure.

* * *

**-W-**

Once in the hospital entrance corridor, he went for the stairs to the second floor. On the third step, he felt a heaviness in his chest and his breathing became laboured. He ignored it, using both hands to pull himself up using the banister. The cold sweat was back, as was the nausea. He was so upset. If only he could see Julia, talk with her, tell her he loved her, that having her love surpassed everything else. They could mend the rift. Together they were strong enough to weather anything that came their way…

* * *

**-J-**

_What have you gotten yourself into, Julia? _

Her eyes flew open as the understanding hit her like a tidal wave. She couldn't help but wonder if she was making a terrible mistake. Her heart screamed at her to stop at once while her head coldly stated that she needed to finish what she had started.

* * *

**-W-**

At the top of the stairs he tried to catch his breath, surprised what merely panic and anxiety could do to a man. And he _was_ panicked. He wondered if Julia was going to be beyond his reach. Wondered if he could win her back…

William grabbed an orderly passing by, needing both hands. "Dr. Ogden. Where is Dr. Ogden?"

"She is in the doctor's on-call room," the man said.

William managed, "Where…?"

"I'm sorry sir. She is in, er...consultation with Dr. Dixon and he asked they not be disturbed for any reason."

William felt as if lava poured into his chest and stole the last of his breath. Broken-hearted, he turned to leave...

* * *

**-J-**

As if by the intervention of a divine being she wasn't sure existed, they were interrupted by frantic knocking at the door.

"Dr. Dixon, please, I need your help at once. Someone out here has collapsed," the nurse pleaded.

"I'm coming. I'll be right there," he replied, hurriedly standing up, and tucking his shirt back into his trousers. "Julia…" he began.

"I know, Andrew. Go. I understand," Julia interrupted.

"Promise me you'll stay here until I return? I'll be back as soon as I can," he asked.

Sitting up to attend to her own dress, she nodded. "I will," she promised back as he ran out the door and quickly closed it behind him before anyone could look in.

Satisfied that she was presentable, she leaned against the wall as she struggled to get hold of her conflicting feelings: anger at how William had treated her and sorrow that their love story had come to an end. She wanted to rage and weep uncontrollably at the same time.

Instead, she cried softly, feeling guilt at what she had just done. The tears would no longer obey her commands to stay silent. She wasn't sure how long she had stayed there, mourning what was irretrievably lost with William, and uncomfortable and sorry that she had led Andrew on when there was a soft knock at the door.

"Julia?" Andrew called out from the other side. Hurriedly wiping her eyes, she stood, wanting to be on equal footing with him. "Come in," she answered.

Closing the door softly, and walking towards her, Julia was unsure if he hoped to continue their previous activities, when he held up his hands, sensing her unease.

"Julia," he stated, standing next to her, looking down at his feet. "I'm not sure the best way to tell you this... A man came up here looking for you a short while ago, then he collapsed," he began, seeking her eyes out to confirm that she had understood.

"I see. Someone from Miss Cooper's family?" Julia wondered.

"No. Just so you know, we think he has had a mild heart attack. It's your husband," he informed her, looking at the ground..

"No!" Julia screamed, bolting off the cot, all memory of the current troubled state of their marriage forgotten."Where is he?" she screamed.

"Julia! I will take you to him, but remember yourself," he reminded her. "Your hysteria will not help him," he informed her.

"My hysteria?" she yelled, fists at her sides.

"A poor choice of words, but you know what I mean," he explained, holding up his hands again.

Regaining control of herself, she nodded. "Of course, please…" she trailed off, wringing her hands.

Dr. Dixon led her down the hall to the room with the most seclusion, before stopping. Turning to her, he smiled sadly, and took her hand. "Take care of your husband, Julia. We'll talk when you are ready," he stated with a nod before giving her privacy.

Unsure of what would be awaiting her, she opened the door slowly, shocked to see her healthy, virile husband so pale, worry still evident upon his brow. How does a relatively young, fit, active man with no excessive habits be struck with a heart attack? She recalled a monograph from a cardiologist about changes to the shape of the heart when that person was under extreme anguish or loss" the speculation was these anomalies led to heart attacks. Julia felt a pang in her own heart.

"Oh, William, what have I done to you now? It seems I always hurt you even though it has never been my intention," she whispered, clutching his hand and raising it to her cheek.

Seeing the water pitcher, wash bowl and clean hand towels the nurse had left, Julia set about giving William a bath herself. Taking care to lightly massage his limbs as she dragged the damp cloth along his body. It was clear that he had been sweating quite profusely, a silent testament to his distress.

Distress that she was responsible for.

Eventually satisfied with her efforts, she sat down beside him and took his hand in both of hers. Stirring he turned his head towards her. "Julia," he softly whispered, "you're here."

"You came for me…" she whispered.

"Yes, of course. I had to," he whispered back.

Nodding her head, she squeezed her eyes shut, her emotions overwhelming her. Words were impossible and this time it was her turn to lay her head down on him and sob. _Maybe we are more alike than I realized..._

He lay his hand upon her head and said nothing more, eventually lapsing back into sleep.

At some point, the day's events had overcome her reserves and she climbed into the bed and joined him, burying her face into his chest, comforting herself with his scent and the soft thud of his heart. The good heart of a good man. .

Sleep came quickly.

-END-


	2. The Huntsman

CHAPTER TWO

The Huntsman

* * *

William saw her leave, taking his heart with her, the whole scene playing out as he had bitterly predicted. Her actions. His. He had hoped for better, sincerely prayed for it on his way home, but experience taught him to face facts. His whole being ached to run after her, but he also knew better than to try and stop her. Even so, he called after her back, through the slammed door: "Julia! Please don't do this. Please don't go!"

To the empty room he also muttered, "Not again..."

William's thoughts rushed and tumbled. He thought about wishing Julia would try at least a little to understand his point of view, stop flying off, stop assuming the worst, stop always running away to protect herself from perceived rejection.

_This is how Julia is,_ he told himself, _how she sees the world and her place in it. _

_She will always charge ahead. She will not think things through. She cannot understand that it is the deception, in the middle of an investigation, I cannot abide. And she will always instinctively want to escape. _

The knowledge of this deeper truth was brutal. He thought about all of his own choices, all of the decisions he has made to act, or not. _And I am always too slow to tell her how I feel. _

William looked at the crucifix on his desk, and then the door Julia had slammed behind her on her way out. Too late he remembered that his tendency toward emotional detachment in difficult situations could be perceived as disgust, not caring. _I let her go because I was upset at her actions and the thoughts underpinning them. Again. Julia left, believing I have rejected our love, abandoned her, have no room for understanding. Again._

His face burned, self-aware, biting sarcasm pouring out. _I suppose this is how I am as well. _

_Dear God_, he prayed to the brass Jesus, _please protect Julia…I cannot live without her._

His whole body was wound into a knot. He looked around the room, trying to order his thoughts. _What a mess!_ So much was out of his control, especially getting through to his wife at the present moment.

Slowly, painfully, he refocused his mind on something he _could_ do something about: Violet Hart. He went to his desk and opened the side drawer. In the back of the drawer, he released a secure mechanism which opened a second compartment. From it, he extracted a set of detailed and damning documents, discreetly gathered over several months courtesy of Freddie Pink, and a .38 calibre, quite untraceable, revolver. He closed his eyes as he held them both, one in each hand, in an unconscious gesture imitating Lady Justice.

_Julia, you think I do not love you, will not protect you. Oh, Julia. If only you knew… you are capable of making me do __**anything**__. _

He clenched his jaw, then sighed. _Perhaps the problem is not where we are different, but where we are too much alike._

He knew his marriage was going to take a great deal of time and effort to repair. He also knew where she might have gone...who she might be seeking solace from. _Someone she works with now...like she used to work with me..._

Unwanted mental images pushed themselves to the front of his mind and he swallowed them back down. If it came to that, he'd forgive her seeking comfort from another man since he'd failed to offer it himself. At the bare minimum, he could protect her and everyone else from a worse fate.

He opened his eyes to look at the items in his hands.

_This part is going to end, tonight, one way or the other. _

-END-


	3. Midnight Train

**CHAPTER THREE:**

**Midnight Train**

* * *

**-J-**

She hadn't really thought much at all, instead acting on pure instinct.

_Fight or flight,_ her brain supplied as she wondered what the hell had just happened. _At least I thought to grab my cloak. _Standing in front of the house, she paused, hoping he'd come after her.

He didn't. _You've done it this time, Julia. Your impetuousness has caused the unthinkable. He's fallen out of love with you. _

Taking a deep breath, she slipped her cloak on and walked down the steps into the rest of her life.

* * *

**-W-**

William stood there in shock.

_**Oh, Julia. Not again. Don't go….**_

Roaring in his ears drowned out the words he shouted from paralyzed vocal cords. His throat should have burned raw from the effort. The roaring drowned the sound of the front door slamming behind her. The push of air swept through, carrying a page off the top of his desk which then drifted in a slow arc around the room, landing halfway between to her desk and his, symbolic of the spot she'd put him in. _Put them all in_.

And symbolic of the abyss between them. The one he did not attempt to close by reaching out to her.

Because he was hurt. Angry. Worse: confused

No…he did not reach out to her. Instead he was still frozen, his feet encased in cement while a volcano of anger erupted.

_I let her go. Again… Julia left, probably believing I have rejected her, rejected our love, abandoned her because I could not immediately put away my thoughts and feelings, when what I needed was time._

Of course, he realized the truth: this is how Julia is, how she sees the world and her place in it. _I need to be in that world with her._

He picked up the crucifix on his desk. _Dear God_, _forgive me_, he prayed, _Give me strength._ _And please protect Julia. She will always charge ahead. She will not think things through._

He sent those prayers while knowing she will never be anything other than who she is.

He set the crucifix down, wondering if life would be worth living without her, but that was never really any question. Straightening up, he put his jacket on. _No…I can't live without her._

Deliberately removing his badge, William collected his coat and hat and took out after her, looking to see if she was walking or perhaps took a cab, wondering where she went considering her resources. A friend? A hotel? A tavern? Would she go to Inspector Brackenreid's house? He hoped it was not another travel agency.

But an ugly twist in his gut nagged at him about where she might be heading, causing a flare of chest tightness and for his stomach to lurch. He yelled "Police business!" at the first driver he came across and ordered the cabbie to get to the hospital, a cold sweat forming between his shoulder blades.

* * *

**-J-**

She'd promised him that she would never leave him again, vowing that she'd learned her lesson after the debacle that led to her first marriage.

She wouldn't shed a single tear for that haughty sanctimonious man she had just left, quickening her pace to further steel her resolve. _I just need to be held. All I wanted from William was to hold me, I didn't expect him to condone what I did...I knew he wouldn't approve..._ she whined to herself as she again forced the thought from her mind. From somewhere in her memory, an unwanted thought bubbled up from her subconscious; one of another time when she had asked him to hold her and he'd obliged. Her throat burned but she would not cry.

With single-minded determination, she climbed the front steps to the hospital.

Stepping into the ward, she saw him immediately, and they glanced at one another and without a word she walked straight towards the doctor's lounge, dark and quiet at this time of night as Andrew was the only physician on duty at this late hour. Knowing he would follow she walked towards the window, contemplating what was about to happen.

Hearing the door close behind him and hearing his tread as he approached, Julia closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.

_There will be no turning back from this. But do you have anything to go back for?_ She felt him stop immediately behind her. Sighing, she turned around and looked him straight in the eye.

* * *

**-W-**

Once in the hospital entrance corridor, he went for the stairs to the second floor. On the third step, he felt a heaviness in his chest and his breathing became laboured. He ignored it, using both hands to pull himself up using the banister. The cold sweat was back, as was the nausea. He was so upset. If only he could see Julia, talk with her, tell her he loved her, that having her love surpassed everything else. They could mend the rift. Together they were strong enough to weather anything that came their way...Violet Hart was a problem, but they'd solve it together.

At the top of the stairs he stopped to catch his breath, settle his stomach and gather himself for what was coming next. He wondered if Julia was going to be beyond his reach. Wondered if he could win her back…

William stopped an orderly passing by, using both hands. "Dr. Ogden. Where is Dr. Ogden?"

"She is in the doctor's on-call room," the man said.

William's mouth felt suddenly dried up. He managed, "Where…?"

"I'm sorry sir. She is in, er...consultation with Dr. Dixon and he asked specifically they not be disturbed for any reason."

William felt as if lava poured into his chest and stole the last of his breath. Through gritted teeth he asked: "Tell me where the room is. No, don't take me, just tell me where it is."

Wincing, the man pointed at a door and hurried away.

* * *

The enormity of what Julia was doing slammed into her like a brick house. What she really wanted was the comforting familiarity of her husband, but here she was seeking out another man.

_What have you gotten yourself into, Julia? _

She couldn't help but wonder if she was making a terrible mistake. Her heart screamed at her to stop at once while her head coldly stated that she needed to finish what she started.

"Dr. Dixon," she began, "…Andrew. Why did you attempt to intervene when William was questioning us about Jane Cooper's medical treatment?"

He smiled at her, as if he were sharing a secret. "Julia, your husband has no background in medicine. Nurse Sullivan and I were explaining the medical situation to him." Andrew Dixon came closer. "We heard him questioning the use of morphine."

"What did you mean it may have been any one of us?" she asked the question that had bothered her all day.

"We guessed that Miss Cooper's death might have been…assisted. Out of compassion. The duty of a doctor for her patient. It was, after all, something you and I discussed."

Julia drew in a careful breath. "But you physically tried to step between me and William."

"The Detective seemed to be so angry, I was concerned for you. Not understanding these difficult decisions...not like we do. Not like I do…" Dixon put his hands on each of her arms. He searched her face expectantly. "This must have all been very difficult for you. Your own husband was accusing you, taking you into custody. He doesn't understand shades of gray, does he?"

"But, it seemed that you were going to take responsibility for injecting the fatal dose," Julia said as she watched his reaction. "Instead of me…"

"We were trying to protect you. We hoped he would stop asking those questions."

"But why were you stepping forward?" she insisted.

He paused before answering, drawing her closer. "I am glad you are out of jail, but now he's left you alone after the kind of day you've had. Julia, we both know you didn't come here tonight to ask me what I thought."

"No, I suppose not," Julia agreed.

Julia felt herself drawn towards Andrew as he pulled her into his arms. This was not the first time he'd crossed a boundary, and perhaps not the first time she had given him mixed signals, but at the moment she forgot the question she had asked. She knew she needed to be held...and a flare of anger reminded her that William didn't want the job.

She stopped resisting and ignored the pleadings of her heart as he bent down to kiss her as she gave herself over to whatever would happen. Just then they were both startled, interrupted by the door bursting open, banging sharply against the wall.

"You!" William pointed at Dixon and shouted "What is going on here?" .

Julia struggled against Andrew's grasp, who only tightened his hold on her.

William saw his wife in Dr. Dixon's arms. He slammed the door shut. The jealousy he'd been trying to deny propelled him forward to wrench them apart, pushing Dixon aside with his body. He turned to her, imploring. "Julia, please. Come home. I'm…"

Dixon returned to intervene. "I think Dr. Ogden has had enough of you for the day!" he tried to set himself in between William and Julia. "I think you need to lea…"

William did not let the man finish. He sent a roundhouse punch into Dixon's face with his right hand, spinning the doctor around so hard he landed on the on-call cot with a loud metal scrape. .

"How dare you!" Dixon got himself up woozily, but stopped before he got within arm's length.

"Stay away from my wife!" William directed at him. To his wife, he said: "Julia, I'm sorry. I know you think I've rejected you..."

"You did, William. I needed you," she told him flatly. "You wouldn't even look at me."

Dixon tried again while rubbing his jaw. "You're upset, Detective. I'll forget you did that. But Dr. Ogden...Julia, wants you to leave."

"Andrew, please…"Julia was not happy with her husband, but she did not want him to leave.

William did not want to have this discussion in front of Dixon. He manoeuvered himself so that Dixon was to his back and Julia was close so he could lower his voice. "Julia, I know that…" he squeezed his eyes shut, terrified that she'd refuse to come back with him. "Please come home so we can talk. Please."

Behind him, Dixon grabbed his shoulder. "You can't come in here and order people around." When William shook him off and went back to Julia, Dixon tried his own hand at a punch, splitting William's lip.

William was rocked back on his heels but remained upright. He used a handkerchief to wipe the blood. His voice was deep, gravelly...menacing. "Dr. Dixon, if you don't get out of here, I will not be responsible for the outcome."

Julia knew that look in her husband's eye and the set of his body. This time she was the one who intervened. "William, stop. Both of you! Someone will come by and witness all of this!"

Dixon ignored her and kept an aggressive stance towards William. "Or you'll what? You'll call the police? Need I remind you that you're trespassing? I see no badge, Detective," he commented.

"No, Doctor. I'm here as a man asking you to respect that Dr. Ogden is another man's wife..._**my wife**_, consecrated with vows in front of God," William shot back. "Call the constabulary, they'll hardly blame a man looking for his wife," William argued back.

"Yes, vows...vows you honored when you manhandled your wife out of here in anger, humiliating her in front of all to see and threw her in jail...clearly the acts of a man cherishing his wife. Let her go, you had your chance," Dixon retorted.

Julia had a small stab of guilt about the marriage vow she had considered violating.

William flinched as he absorbed the words he'd heard before...eerily similar words he himself had uttered to Darcy in anger on a crowded street.

But Julia hadn't been privy to those words; she'd never heard them. "You are both being ridiculous. I don't need any man to fight over me!"

William stood his ground. "Julia, I will not fight...like this. But I will fight for our marriage."

Fleetingly, she saw him appeal to her, his face forming that irresistible little quick smile at the corner of his mouth that usually melted her heart.

"Julia?" William's voice was no less determined, but calmer now. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk with Andrew…" She saw William's eyes narrow. "With Dr. Dixon," she corrected. "I wanted someone to consult with, and to talk with someone who understands, another physician." She saw another wince. _Too bad,_ _but it's true, _she thought. "I also wanted to ask him a question."

William shot a glance at Dixon. "Did you get your answer?"

Both men waited for her response. Julia considered that she did not in fact get a direct answer from Andrew about the morphine for Miss Cooper. She also considered Nurse Sullivan's words, that anyone of them could have given the fatal injection. _Perhaps I was not the only one who acted. _

She turned to William and this time really _saw_ him. Underneath his anger and hurt and even under the jealousy that were clearly evident, she saw in his eyes how frightened he was of losing her. She recognized that look - feelings he never gave voice to…

The fact that he was _here_ was extraordinary.

This time, she heeded her heart. She put out her hand for his and he took it.

Looking at William, she nodded. "Yes, William, I believe I did." She turned to Andrew. "Dr. Dixon, thank you for taking the time to speak with me," Julia told him.

"Of course, Dr. Ogden. You know where to find me if you need me," Dixon quietly stated.

Julia nodded as William put his arm around her, but she was pretty sure she saw the men glare at one another as they left. But thankfully that was all.

They briskly exited the hospital and William hurriedly helped her into a waiting cab as though he were afraid she'd change her mind. Still needing the comfort of contact, she laid her head on his shoulder once they were seated, and he put her arm around her, pulling her close.

"We have much to discuss, Julia, but tonight, tonight we need something more I do believe," he murmured.

"I didn't expect you to forgive me, William or to condone my actions...not tonight, anyway...I just wanted to be held," she too in a ragged breath, "and when you wouldn't look at me…" she began crying.

"Shhh, you're not the only one who can act rashly in anger, Julia...but enough talking for tonight…," he trailed off, tracing her jaw with his finger. "I can't live without you, Mrs. Murdoch."

She tried to be mindful of his lip, but his kiss was anything but gentle. She tasted the unmistakable metallic tang of his blood and remembered that life without him was worse than death. She gasped as he bit down on her own lip and moaned in response.

**-END-**


	4. Mercy

**CHAPTER FOUR:**

**Mercy**

* * *

She hadn't thought consciously about it, but she supposed there was only one reason she had gone to the hospital. Stepping onto the 2nd floor, she immediately saw him and they shared a glance. Without a single word she walked straight into the doctor's lounge and waited for him to follow.

She never thought she'd seek another man out like this, but here she was. Andrew Dixon was able and willing. William Murdoch wasn't.

Within moments he had entered and closed the door and whether they were magnets drawn to one another, if he had scooped her up, or if she had propelled herself to him was uncertain, but within moments they were in one another's arms. There was no anger or judgement here, just acceptance and strong arms to hold her, encircle her.

Warmth, care. Not cold discernment, but acceptance. Running her fingers through his hair, she dug her nails into his scalp and pulled his head down to hers; his lips were soft and warm, his hands cradling her head. Julia stopped thinking and gave herself over to the feelings of being cared for, not being alone.

She floated effortlessly as though she were in a warm bath until she suddenly came to her senses. She was here with another man...a man who was not her husband. The tears that she had suppressed would lie dormant no more and before she knew, her ardor had turned into sorrow as she realized she was openly crying.

Ever the gentleman, Andrew led her to a couch and sat next to her, holding her hand as her tears soaking the shoulder of his jacket.

After a while, she dried her eyes, her senses coming back to her.

"Julia, my feelings for you are no secret, as I'm sure you're aware. But you have decisions to make, choices I cannot help you with. I will respect whatever you decide, but this…" he gestured between the two of them, "is not a particularly good idea right now. For either of us. I will be here if you want to talk, but if you are well for now, I will make my rounds," he stated, handing her his handkerchief.

Nodding, Julia knew he was right. "I'm sorry, Andrew, I don't know what came over me," she replied as he stood to leave and walked towards the door.

Stopping, he turned and looked at her "You needed a friend, Julia, and I was happy to be of service. I will always be that, Dr. Ogden," he announced with a sad smile.

"Always, Dr. Dixon," she replied as he bowed his head and exited the lounge, closing the door behind him.

Standing up, she took in her reflection in a mirror. Red rimmed eyes and face swollen with tears, she was quite a sight. But Dr. Dixon was right; she had needed a friend and had thankfully been the saner head to prevail...before she had undertaken a decision she would regret.

While Dr. Dixon had understood her position from a medical viewpoint, she needed someone who could help her with the decidedly more difficult problem of William.

Splashing some water on her face and slipping her cloak back on, she exited the lounge and quickly made her way down the stairs and back outside.

* * *

For some indeterminable amount of time, William just sat there, staring out the door, willing her to come back. Exhaling, he stood up and paced the living room and pondered his next move.

He supposed Julia would say he was cold and heartless, and he admitted that it certainly could appear that way, but he was anything but. He'd been distant and withdrawn because he was angry, too afraid he would be like his late father and fly into a rage at her. Julia hadn't really ever met Harry, didn't know the violent rages he could fly into...he'd done well to hide them from her, but he doubted she understood that the capability lie within him...he was more of his father's son than he ever cared to admit to anyone...even her.

"Frailty...thy name is woman," he said to the empty room with a laugh as the thought came to him unbidden.

Hamlet had it wrong...Julia wasn't frail...she made him frail, made him contemplate and even do things he'd never even considered.

_She's my weakness, and I cannot fathom an existence without her...but how do I navigate one with her?_

Walking over to her desk, he looked down at the jumble of papers and journals and acknowledged that while Julia had not undertaken her decision lightly, she hadn't analyzed it from every angle as he might…

She'd acted in what she believed to be the best interests of her patient...but she hadn't stopped to think of how that would affect him.

And that was the problem. He'd come close to losing her and there wouldn't have been a damned thing he could do about it.

Exhaling, he rubbed his face. _Right now Julia is with Andrew Dixon, a man who is definitely interested in her while she thinks I don't care for her anymore. I can sit here and feel justified in my anger, or I can go and get her,_ he thought.

Standing up, he grabbed his hat, jacket, and coat, praying he would quickly find a cab at this time of night.

* * *

Julia made her way on foot from the hospital to her next destination, wrapping her cloak tighter around her body against the cold. A shiver escaped her, but she was not sure if it was the temperature or shock or her way of shaking off the last few, miserable, hours. The darkness was lit by gaslights and she knew that in the middle of the night and this far from the city centre there were not going to be any hansoms. Walking was going to suit her just fine, because it gave her more time to think.

After running hell-bent from William, so upset she hardly knew where she was headed, and then having her encounter with Andrew Dixon, she was exhausted. She also needed a drink, but in "Toronto the Good" taverns closed down early.

Now that she had more of her wits about her, things were falling into place, although not about her and William. Dr. Forbes had been right: she chafed at the limitations of her profession. On the other hand, the truth was also that William was wrong, because she did think about God, just ascribed different intentions to Him than her husband did.

But, she admitted, she herself did not always think through all the consequences. She frowned. _That still does not explain why he cringed from me_…digging at the wound with her thoughts. _He said he understood the difficult decisions a physician must make; and then he rejected me for making one…_

Her ruminations churned on for twenty minutes until finally bringing her feet up the steps and to the door, sheltered by a fine porch. She hesitated, suddenly feeling ridiculous. _Although no more ridiculous than I was earlier today,_ she complained to the door knob. After a moment she shook herself and put her shoulders back, reaching for the brass knocker. It took three tries for the door to open, then another moment for it to swing wide. Wordlessly, she was ushered into the parlour and offered a drink.

* * *

The entire ride to the hospital he'd prayed that he wasn't too late, but when he burst out of the stairwell, he still prepared himself for the worst.

Instead, he found Dr. Dixon alone, reading a chart. Closing the file, he nodded, and gestured to the doctor's lounge. Inside, the man began preparing tea and offered William a cup.

"No, thank you. I must say that I am surprised...I had thought that I would find Julia here," he began, looking around for clues that a tryst had already occurred.

Laughing and shaking his head, Dr. Dixon sat down across from him with his tea.

"Fear not, Detective. Nothing of consequence happened between Dr. Ogden and I," he laughed.

"Nothing of consequence?" William asked skeptically.

"We embraced, mind you, but it did not go any further than that," he answered, taking a sip of his tea. "I suppose you have correctly determined my feelings for her, as she is an incredible woman," he smiled sadly. "But nothing other than that...she was too upset to go further and while I would have welcomed an opportunity to show her how much I care for her, I'm not so much a cad that I would take advantage of her," he supplied with a shrug.

William's fists clenched with anger and jealousy, the impulse to strike Dixon's smug face for kissing his wife, warring inside of him with the practical need to find out where Julia was.

"I do love her, Doctor. Her love means everything to me, and if you know where she might be...if anything were to happen to her, I don't..." William began.

"And sadly for me she loves you," Dixon bitterly laughed. "I have matrons all over this town offering their daughters to me and who should I fall for, but a married woman. Incredible, really…" he commented, shaking his head. "She was upset, but I only held her hand, offered a shoulder to cry on. Once she was in control of her faculties she left, and unfortunately she did not tell me where she was going. I thought it best not to ask too many questions, if you must know, but I watched her out the window as she walked west, away from the city center. I give you my word, Detective. That is all I know. I hope you find her soon," the man replied.

He eyed his romantic rival suspiciously but decided that he was likely telling the truth. Nodding, he stood to leave. "I expect you to stay away from my wife, Dr. Dixon." He wanted to say more, oh so much more, but time was wasting. He did not wait for a reply. Leaving the hospital, William's anger at Dixon cooled slightly. He couldn't help but pity the man. Once upon a time not so long ago he too coveted a married woman, one who had been neglected and mistreated by Darcy Garland…

_Something you're rather guilty of yourself at this moment,_ his mind supplied before he pushed the thought aside. He focused on where Julia could have gone. A hotel? A friend? While she was entirely capable of going to a tavern or pub, the only establishments open at this hour were illegal ones down at the docks, and she would not venture down there alone..._too dangerous for even her!_

Besides, Dixon had said he had seen her walking west, and he tried to think of where she could have gone as he traveled in a westerly direction himself.

* * *

Ensconced in a chair, fire started in the grate and half her whisky down, she offered a salute with her glass to her companion. "William Murdoch is an ass…" she declared.

"Well, he certainly can be a pain in one," Brackenreid agreed, sitting across from her in his dressing gown.

He'd been silent until she spoke, guessing she'd tell him when she was ready to. As surprised as he'd been for her to show up in the middle of the night, one look on her face told him that this was bad, whatever it was, and it'd be best if they took it slow. He'd made what he thought was a good guess at what she wanted from him, and was therefore surprised by her first words.

"You would not be here of everything was all right. Care to give it a go?" he asked gently.

"William can…" she tried and stopped, looking at Tom, then towards the fire where kindling was igniting the fuel, sending a warm glow about the room.

"Can get on his high horse?" he guessed, but did not want to assume that was where she was going with this. "Or it is something else?"

"Yes. No..." Julia drank more of her whisky. "...Both." She was still angry with William, wanted to open her heart to someone who might understand, while knowing that her friend Tom was also William's superior. "I was hoping you could talk with me a little more about you experienced in Afghanistan."

_Ah...that is what I thought_. Brackenreid already mentally prepared for her to come see him about that, figuring it might be soon, although not this soon.

"You said you essentially think no one knows what they will do until the time comes, or the situation presents itself." She prompted him again.

Brackenreid nodded, but took a moment to answer. Here was Murdoch's wife, a woman who ended two lives before in self defense, wanting to talk about ending Miss Cooper's life in mercy by marching over here, unannounced in the middle of the night.. _It was just like her to plunge into the heart of it, _he observed silently. He settled in his chair, listening to the fire. Despite misgivings, he did not wish to patronize her by asking if she really wanted to hear this. She was here because she needed to know, and was quite used to the reality of bodies and gore.

He also recalled how devastated her husband had been when he shot the assassin who'd been trying to kill Anna Fulford. It had taken Murdoch almost three weeks to bring up the subject of killing a man, and afterwards Murdoch had not said much, just nodded his head in that way he has that meant 'acknowledged and understood.' _His priest might have given him penance, _Brackenreid told himself, _but talking with me got him closer to absolution_.

Brackenreid studied her. _Is that what Julia is looking for? _He gathered a breath to begin. _She might not like where this comes out._

"As I said, it was after a skirmish. Dark, icy, rainy. Our company had been hit hard and our retreat was messy." The smell of gunpowder and blood came to him as he talked, the sound of men and horses screaming in his ears, as it always did when he discussed certain war memories. Thankfully, some of the memories were faded by now, felt more like they were in the past where they belonged. "It was pitch black," he told her, "the only light from an overturned and burning vehicle. We were running so fast, I nearly stepped on him, the young soldier. His intestines were hanging out of a great wound, despite his attempts to hold them in. Right behind us was the enemy. The lad was in shock I suppose; in pain no doubt. He looked at me, then his guts in his hands, and back at me again. I thought he was going to ask for a medic, or for me to carry him away." He paused to take a swallow of his drink.

"I was already starting to tell him 'no' on both accounts, but before I could he said, 'You do it.' I didn't know at first what he meant. Then he said. 'I saw a man gut shot before. I know what this is. I don't want to die out here, all alone in the dark and cold, or have _them_,' meaning the enemy, 'come and carve me up. Please.' He said, 'Please, for God's sake.' Then he let his hands go and grabbed my rifle barrel."

Brackenreid stopped there, his throat working as he remembered the slithering of the man's guts when his hands took the rifle barrel and placed it on his chest. He looked up at Julia. "I'd seen a man gut shot like that before too, a horrid hole in him and yet conscious, living, just waiting to die in agony."

Across in the other chair, Julia was barely breathing. Finally she asked: "How did you decide? To do it."

"Decide? I don't think it was like that. He wasn't going to make it. I knew that. He knew that. The enemy was on our heels, taking pot shots at anything they saw moving. The lad had heard battlefield rumours about British soldiers being mutilated. I never gave such talk much mind, but _he_ was afraid of that; more afraid than of dying," Brackendried answered.

"And then?" she asked softly but made herself speak clearly. She thought Tom was a good and honourable man who was seasoned by life, some of it terrible. It was his thinking she needed to hear, his understanding of it all. "How did you come to agree to his wishes?"

He pushed his hair away from his brow then shrugged. "Another soldier might have felt differently, mind you, but I imagined how I would feel if it was me. And he very directly asked me to do it, begged me. I guess it was that simple. I put a round in his heart and kept running."

Of course it was not really that simple: if he'd been caught he'd have been courts martialed and shot, so he told her that as well. "I knew it was not the first time something like that had transpired in the war, but that wasn't it. That other soldiers had done it, was not the reason I thought it was acceptable.." .Brackenreid's voice roughened. "I knew him, you understand. His name was Jenkins. I've never forgotten him. I'm not sure I'd have done it if it was a stranger."

Julia nodded. "Did you feel badly, afterward?"

"You mean did I have second thoughts? No, not really. Not in the moment. I was thinking of my own hide, running for my life."

"And later?"

He knew he needed to answer honestly. "The thing is...I'd never killed someone so..." he struggled to say it right, "So... _intimately_ before. In battle the killing was usually at the end of my rifle from fifty yards or more." He looked at her, wondering what it had been like for Julia when she deliberately injected Miss Cooper. It certainly would have been kinder and more civilized than a bullet on a battlefield.

He continued. "I _was_ worried about getting on the shit end for helping Jenkins out, but this was the middle of a bloody war." He leaned forward, thinking this is what she really came for. "Soldiers never talked about it, never in the open anyways. As far as I know, no one else ever knew what I had done, and it was too much responsibility if I were to think about it." He paused to make sure she understood. "I forgave myself...eventually. I also never wanted to have to do that ever again." He stopped talking again to take a drink from his glass. Slowly, gently, he said, " And I never did."

Julia met his eyes with hers, absorbing what he'd just told her. She did not like hearing any of this, but it helped her to listen to someone who had gone through something similar, who made a difficult choice to end suffering and who now lives with the consequences.

"Forgiveness…" she whispered. She herself had no second thoughts about helping Miss Cooper. However she was filled with all kinds of second thoughts, now, about the ramifications. She closed her eyes for a second, then looked back at Tom. "William is not as forgiving."

Brackenreid gave a low grunt. "He was pursuing a murder investigation, doctor. You know how he gets! Besides, it is not as if this was the first time you saw the inside of a jail cell because of something you actually did do."

Julia blushed faintly, nodding.

His mouth twisted in an ironic smile, then fell into seriousness again. "Leaving aside the fact that according to the law, you committed a crime. You blindsided him. And you are the one angry with him for being angry with you…"

When Julia tried to protest, he waved her off. "Don't even try to deny it. He did what the law required him to do, and left it to me, just as he was supposed to do. I told you myself it was not something I could fix." He saw Julia nod again. "I arrested you, yet here you are in my parlour, drinking my scotch, having a chinwag. You are not outraged at me. Nevertheless, Murdoch refused to arrest you and then he went and got you out of jail," Brackenreid pointed out. "And he asked me to help you. Which I did."

"For which I am grateful, Tom."

He did not think Julia had done anything morally wrong. In his mind, Brackenreid glossed over his own crime in the matter: obstruction of justice, by doing what Percival Giles had lost his job and gone to jail for. What Murdoch had done with Constance Gardner for which he, Brackenreid, had willingly covered up. No, Brackenried understood that Justice and Mercy are not always the same.

"Indeed, " he said. "But then again, that is why we have rules and laws, so no one runs amok, even if the law is not about fairness. That poor young girl was going to die, and while she was taking her time of it she was in unbearable pain. Your actions saved her some hours of torment. I understand compassion, Julia. Murdoch understands acting on the dictates of one's conscience too…"

"He is still an ass…" she interrupted.

Brackenreid heard the hurt in her voice. He nodded in agreement. "I also understand the terrible power a person might wield, to be able to save...or end a life on only their own say-so." He looked at her solemnly. "So does your husband. You might want to remember that."

"I'm not sure I can forgive him."

Brackenreid filled their drinks and the two of them sat staring at each other for a very long time.

* * *

Upon his approach a short while later, William noticed that a light burned in the window of the Brackenreid's front parlor and two figures sat in front of a fire. It had to be her!

He considered knocking and entering himself, but decided that if she needed to talk, he would wait for her...just as she had earlier waited for him.

Settling down on the front steps, he hoped it wasn't too late.

**-END-**


	5. Flight of Angels

**CHAPTER FIVE:**

**A Flight of Angels**

* * *

Julia stalked out of her house, just wanting to get away. Across the street, a hansom was disgorging Bertie and Delores Smothers. Julia barely acknowledged them while commandeering the conveyance, telling the driver to hurry away thereby leaving the Smothers' standing dumbfounded on the street. _No big loss_, she thought of how hurt and insulted Mrs. Smothers was now going to be. _Not if I've already lost my marriage, _she thought angrily. When the cabbie asked for directions she just said: "Drive."

Getting as much distance as possible between herself and William was her only immediate thought. All she had wanted was a little comfort from her husband, not coldness and certainly not judgement. He'd seemed reasonable at first, then shied away from her, his faith rearing its unbending presence. In her own anger, she managed to ignore that it was her own fear of being rejected that really propelled her out of the door; an old, worn, inclination.

She only knew she wanted distance from his anger. His disapproval. His Catholicism. _His job! _She went on like that in her head for several blocks while she worked to calm herself down.

_I was wrong to expect anything different from William,_ she finally concluded.

This knowledge did not help her feel any better. By the time she started noticing how cold it was and how inadequate her cape, she knew where she really needed to go. She gave the address to the driver, who seemed relieved that his passenger had come to her senses.

* * *

For some indeterminable amount of time, William just sat staring at the door, willing her to come back through it. He stayed there, waiting, long enough to get stiff and agitated. Also, long enough to run out of hope that this problem between him and his wife was all going to just go away. Sighing, he stood up and paced the living room to ponder his next move.

* * *

"Where is Nurse Sullivan? Is she free at the moment?" Julia caught up with an orderly she recognized in the hospital's lobby. She was directed to the second-floor hall. She did not spy Kate Sullivan at first but grimaced when she saw Andrew Dixon instead. Swallowing down a flare of trepidation, she approached him. "Dr. Dixon, have you seen Nurse Sullivan? I know she is on duty tonight."

"Julia? What are you doing here?" Dixon asked his own question instead of answering hers. He put his hand on her shoulder and lowered his voice. "I was worried about you. I heard a rumour that you were in jail."

Julia took in a surprised breath. Her heart raced, hoping no one overheard what he said. "I see...I need to speak with Nurse Sullivan. I was told she was available." She tried to peer around Dixon, but he kept blocking her view.

"The nurse is with a patient. Here..." he took her elbow and guided her to the physician on-call room. "Let us speak in private," he said, half closing the door behind them. The room was dark and empty. "I think you perhaps came here to see me, didn't you?" Dixon asked, approaching her. "Your husband was rather abrupt with your earlier…are you alright? Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Yes, I do want to talk, about Miss Cooper, with her _friend_." Julia emphasized.

Dixon frowned. "I am guessing the detective was incapable of understanding the situation...not like we do," he indicated the hospital with a small wave of his hand. He took that hand and gathered one of hers in it. "Not like I can, Julia..."

Julia was about to object to Dixon's advances when she spotted Nurse Kate Sullivan's face coming through the on-call room door. "Dr. Ogden, you were looking for me?"

She withdrew her hand from Dixon's hand abruptly, hoping Nurse Sullivan did not see. She answered: "Yes, I am. Thank you."

Julia stood with her back straight and head up, angry at herself for not predicting Dr. Dixon would try to take advantage of her showing up here like this; or maybe she knew deep down and ignored the warning. She was here to talk with someone who knew Jane Cooper and she had been stupid to get sidetracked by Andrew Dixon.

Nurse Sullivan's face was correct and polite, but her features were tight, her browns drawn down with some emotion. Worry? Anger? If Dr. Dixon knew about the arrest, and it seemed Nurse Sullivan might as well, then she guessed that the scandal might be beyond her control. Suddenly flustered, she wondered if she'd made another mistake by coming here.

Before she could think of an excuse, Kate Sullivan spoke. "Perhaps we can talk in the nurse's cloak room?"

Julia knew that at this hour no one would disturb them there, and, thankfully, Dr. Dixon would not follow into the female sanctum. She reached for the door, happy to escape yet another man tonight. "Perfect," she said.

Once in the cloak room and sure of some privacy, Nurse Sullivan sat next to Julia. "I think I know why you have come, Dr. Ogden."

Julia hesitated. "She was your friend, Nurse Sullivan. Please, tell me about her."

Nurse Sullivan was happy to oblige, sharing several stories about their friendship and Miss Cooper's remarkable life. Julia was grateful to be transported by the woman's memories, to get to know Jane Cooper as a vital person. Yet, it was not enough..she needed more. Julia found herself feeling nervous, twisting the sash from her cape in her hands. She forced her hands to still and to look the other woman in the eye. "You knew her, cared about her. Do you think I acted in Jane's best interest?"

Nurse Sullivan immediately reached for one of Julia's hand, placing it between her own. "I understand, unequivocally," she reassured. "I am so grateful to you, for Jane's sake." Nurse Sullivan looked away before speaking again, clearly overwhelmed. "I wanted to do it myself, you know," she tearfully confided in Julia. "But I was too cowardly to help Jane when her strength was gone, and she needed me the most."

Julia's immediate relief at Nurse Sullivan's words was overwhelming. She exhaled a long breath, having been unaware she was holding it in. After a moment she asked: "Nurse Sullivan, Kate…have you ever had cause to assist in euthanasia?"

Nurse Sullivan became quiet, then nodded slightly. "Many years ago:"

"May I ask what happened?" Julia asked, while Nurse Sulllivan seemed to go into herself. Julia almost said she was sorry for asking when the other woman began talking in a soft monotone.

"I was new in nursing. I was confident the doctors had mechanically corrected my patient's injuries: set his bones, sewn him up…However, the nerve damage was irreparable, and he was in constant, excruciating pain. He was miserable, his family was miserable. He was angry with the doctors for saving his life only to put him in such a terrible existence...He kept saying he wished he had died in the accident. I told him I would not help him end his life, because I was a nurse, a healer; not a killer. But his physician never restricted access to his medication dosage. Unbeknownst to me, the man saved up his pills and killed himself with them…I always thought the doctor knew that was the way it was going to go."

Nurse Sullivan gave a small smile_. "_I have been particularly careful with medication since then. When a patient who was terminally ill or in extreme pain, one who has given up on life, or begged for relief, then after a time, died peacefully in his or her hospital bed, I have occasionally wondered if someone helped them along. And I have always been satisfied that good was done, if that was the case, even though I never had a hand in it..." .

"It is not without controversy," Julia commented. "The medical community is not of one mind in this matter."

Nurse Sullivan agreed. "And may never be. It is why discretion and good judgement are paramount. After working together as much as we have, Dr. Ogden, I have come to understand that you are the type of person who will always try to do the right thing, even when it is against the hospital's policy or when you have to work around authority to get it done."

Julia needed to ask. "Dr. Dixon says there is a rumour in the hospital that I was arrested and jailed. How many people know?"

Nurse Sullivan was puzzled.. "Now why would Dr. Dixon cause trouble like that by saying such a thing? Everyone knows you were helping the constabulary find out what really happened to Jane. I have told no one about what you did, nor will I. I have heard no one speak a word against you."

The tension in Julia's shoulders eased some more. Jane Cooper's dear friend held no opprobrium, no doubt, towards Julia, understanding that it was an act of compassion. No one was suspicious, not yet anyway.

"But, Dr. Ogden…Julia." Kate turned very serious. "I also wish you had not done it."

Julia was instantly alarmed. "What? I thought…" Her heart was racing now.

Nurse Sullivan saw her distress and patted Julia's hand. "Not in the way you are thinking, Julia. People," Nurse Sullivan insisted, "not just the ignorant or uneducated, are already skeptical about doctors and hospitals. You know this," she said directly to Julia, who nodded once.

Nurse Sullivan continued in a rush. "They are afraid to come for help because they think that you only go to a hospital to die, not get well. It is that irrational fear which keeps people from inoculations, has them buy useless, or toxic, patented medicines... keeps them from getting to a doctor or hospital before it is too late to be helped!" She spoke passionately, taking Julia's hand again for emphasis. "You are a very good physician, a talented surgeon, Julia. It would be a shame if, as a result of helping Jane, you lost your ability to work here, practice medicine, or worse."

Julia was touched by the woman's genuine concern, and tried to say she didn't think it would come to that, but Nurse Sullivan overroad her, pushing through the rest of her explanation. "We just barely survived the scandal last year of Matron Ingram killing those alcoholic patients as if she was some Angel of Death. Another story, another scandal about a doctor conducting or promoting euthanasia at this hospital would be a disaster. Dr. Forbes would remind you, the hospital cannot tolerate a nurse or physician who is unwilling to play by the rules and abide by their Oath. And you must never tell him what you did."

* * *

William found himself circling the fireplace, going nowhere, which was only natural, since his thoughts were circling unproductively as well…

Julia's stricken face haunted him.

_I told Special Constable Parker that Julia was a strong woman who valued her independence. _ He still believed that to be true. Unfortunately, he supposed Julia would say he was cold and heartless, and he admitted that it certainly could appear that way. He knew himself to be anything but, needing sometimes great effort to govern his passions.

_She's my weakness, and since I cannot fathom an existence without her...How do I navigate one _with _her?_

Walking over to her desk, he sat, looking down at the jumble of papers and journals and acknowledged that while Julia had not undertaken her decision lightly, she hadn't analyzed it from every angle as he might…

William knew and respected that she'd followed her conscience, acted in what she believed to be the best interests of her patient... _Characteristically, selfishly,_ he thought, _all without stopping to think through to the other myriad consequences._ Or how it would affect him.

And that was only part of the problem. He still felt anxious about her actions coming to light. His nightmare was that he might finally and irrevocably lose her and there wouldn't be a damned thing he could do about it. His mind wandered to more of Shakespeare's tragedies. _Didn't the hero always set in motion his, or in this case her, own downfall?_

Exhaling again, William rubbed his face, groaning because his own actions had made it that much worse. _At present, I suspect Julia is with Andrew Dixon, while at the same time she thinks I don't care for her anymore. _He shook his head. _I can sit here and feel justified in my anger, or I can go and get her,_ he decided.

Standing up, he grabbed his hat, jacket, and coat, praying he would quickly find a cab at this time of night.

* * *

Julia made her way on foot from the hospital to her next destination, wrapping her cloak tighter around her body against the cold. A shiver escaped her, but she was not sure if it was the temperature or shock or her way of shaking off the last few, miserable, hours. The darkness was lit by gaslights and she knew that in the middle of the night and this far from the main streets there were not going to be any hansoms. Walking was going to suit her just fine, because it gave her more time to think.

After running hell-bent from William, so upset she hardly knew where she was headed, and then having that awkward encounter with Andrew Dixon, then finally her meeting with Kate Sullivan, she was exhausted. She also needed a drink, but in "Toronto the Good", taverns closed down early.

Now that she had more of her wits about her, things were falling into place. Dr. Forbes might have been right: she chafed at the limitations of her profession and, she knew with uncomfortable insight, she chafed at authority in general. Then she thought about her husband and his behavior: On the other hand, the truth was also that William was wrong, because she _did _think about God when she decided to inject Jane Cooper, she just ascribed different intentions to Him than her husband did.

William…whose remarkable brain accomplished so much and took so long to do it, thinking through every variable. _While I_, she admitted now, _I myself do not always think through all the consequences._ Even the best-intentioned people can misstep; she'd been quick to identify William's faults and a little slower to detect her own.

She frowned. _That still does not explain why William cringed from me_…digging at the wound with her thoughts. _He said he understood the difficult decisions a physician must make; and then he rejected me for making one…_

Her ruminations churned on for twenty minutes until finally bringing her up the steps and to the door, sheltered by a fine porch. She hesitated, suddenly feeling ridiculous. _Although no more ridiculous than any other day,_ she complained to the doorknob. After a moment she shook herself and put her shoulders back, reaching for the brass knocker. It took three tries for the door to open, then another moment for it to swing wide. Wordlessly, she was ushered into the house and offered a drink.

* * *

The entire ride to the hospital William prayed that he wasn't too late, but when he burst out of the stairwell, he still prepared himself for the worst.

Instead, he found Dr. Dixon alone, reading a chart. Closing the file, Dixon nodded, and gestured to the doctor's lounge. Inside, he turned the lights on, and the man began preparing tea, offering William a cup.

"No, thank you. I must say that I am surprised...I had thought that I would find Julia here," he began, looking around for clues that a tryst had already occurred with an anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Dr. Dixon shook his head. "Julia was here, detective. She was very upset when she arrived. We spoke, then she and Nurse Sullivan spoke at length after I left."

"What was the subject of the discussion?" William assumed it might be about Miss Jane Cooper or even Julia losing her position at the hospital.

Dixon paused in the stirring of his tea. "I was not privy to what Julia and Nurse Sullivan discussed, but it is hardly surprising she'd need to speak with me or someone who understands what it is like to witness suffering while being a healer, especially after she was arrested and jailed today." Dixon said this meaningfully, unable to hide the jab in William's direction.

William was jolted that Dixon knew about that. Then he noticed Dixon deliberately used Julia's Christian name and commented on her emotional state as if he had that right. Everything about the man's demeanor suggested a personal interest in Julia, and that Julia saw him as a confidant at the very least. William also suspected Dixon was withholding some information, but that was not as important right now. "I see," William managed to say through gritted teeth. "Do you know where she is now?"

Dixon answered: "Once she finished with Nurse Sullivan, she did not tell me where she was going. I thought it best not to ask too many questions, if you must know, but I watched her out the window as she walked west, away from the city center. I give you my word, Detective. That is all I know. I hope you find her soon," the man replied.

Nodding, he stood to leave, then hesitated. For some reason he felt compelled to tell Dixon that he loved Julia, loved his wife...but he stopped himself from doing something so defensive and humiliating. William could not believe Julia would have a physical affair with Dixon, or any other man for that matter. But If Julia was having some sort of emotional affair with another man, it would be exactly the sort of man Dr. Dixon was… a colleague who could understand her work and its difficulties and triumphs in an intimate and personal way. _Just the way Julia and I used to do.._.

The realization sent a cold sweat over him. William cleared his throat, tipped his hat and got out of that little room as soon as he could.

Leaving the hospital, William thought of other uncomfortable parallels: Julia had been neglected and mistreated by Garland, felt stifled and unfulfilled professionally and personally. They might have both been doctors but did not work together as colleagues. Garland also withdrew from her...

_Something you're rather guilty of yourself at this moment,_ his mind supplied before he pushed the thought aside. Dixon had said he had seen her walking west, and he tried to think of where she could have gone in that direction. He chose a street and headed west himself, looking for a cabbie.

* * *

Ensconced in a chair, a fire started in the grate and half her whisky down, Julia offered a salute with her glass to her companion. "William Murdoch can be an ass…" she declared.

"Well, he certainly can be a pain in one," Brackenreid agreed, sitting across from her in his dressing gown.

He'd been silent until she spoke, guessing she'd tell him when she was ready to. As surprised as he'd been for her to show up in the middle of the night, one look at her face told him that this was bad, whatever it was, and it'd be best if they took it slow. He'd made what he thought was a good guess at what she wanted from him and was therefore surprised by her first words. He actually thought William Murdoch was a good, if complicated man, a bit of a prig perhaps, but considering what had been revealed today, he thought Murdoch handled it pretty well. _Looks like it got out of hand at home. Again_, Brackenreid guessed.

"You would not be here if everything was all right. Care to give it a go?" he asked gently.

"William can…" she tried and stopped, looking at Tom, then towards the fire where kindling was igniting the fuel, sending a warm glow about the room.

"Can get on his high horse?" he guessed but did not want to assume that was where she was going with this. "Or it is something else?"

"Yes. No..." Julia drank more of her whisky. "...Both!" She was still angry with William, wanted to open her heart to someone who might understand, while knowing that her friend Tom was also William's superior and had involved himself in covering up what she had done. "I was hoping you could talk with me a little more about what you experienced in Afghanistan."

Then she waited.

* * *

William had the cabbie slow his horses outside the house. He noticed that a light burned in the window of the front parlour and two figures sat in front of a fire. It had to be Julia! He dismissed the hansom with a generous tip for the man's troubles and walked up the path to the front door.

He considered knocking and entering himself, but decided that if she needed to talk, he would wait for her...just as she had earlier waited for him.

Settling down on the front steps, he waited, hoping it wasn't too late.

* * *

Julia looked at Tom expectantly

_Ah...Afghanistan, that is what I thought_. Brackenreid had already mentally prepared for her to come see him about the story he told her about Afghanistan, figuring it might be soon…Although not quite _this_ soon.

He recalled how devastated Murdoch had been when he shot the assassin who'd been trying to kill Anna Fulford. It had taken Murdoch almost three weeks to bring up the subject of killing a man, wanting to talk, and afterwards Murdoch had not said much, just nodded his head in that way he has that meant 'acknowledged and understood.' _His priest might have given him penance, _Brackenreid told himself, _but talking with me got him closer to absolution_.

Now, here was Murdoch's wife, a woman who ended two lives before in self-defense, wanting to talk about ending Miss Cooper's life in mercy. _It was just like her to plunge into the heart of it, _he observed. _She might not like where this comes out._ He settled in his chair, listening to the fire. Despite misgivings, he did not patronize her by asking if she really wanted to hear this. She was here because she needed to know and was quite used to the reality of bodies and gore.

"As I said before, it happened after a skirmish. Our company had been hit hard and our retreat was messy." The smell of gunpowder and blood came to him as he talked, the sound of men and horses screaming in his ears, as it always did when he discussed certain war memories. Thankfully some of the memories were fading by now, felt more like they were in the past where they belonged. "It was pitch black," he told her, "the only light from an overturned and burning vehicle. We were running so fast, I nearly stepped on him, the young soldier. His intestines were hanging out of a great wound, despite his attempts to hold them in. Right behind us was the enemy. The lad was in shock I suppose; in pain no doubt. He looked at me, then his guts in his hands, and back at me again. I thought he was going to ask for a medic, or for me to carry him away." He paused to take a swallow of his drink.

"I was already starting to tell him 'no' on both accounts, but before I could he said, 'You do it.' I didn't know at first what he meant. Then he said. 'I've seen a man gut shot before. It was terrible. I don't want to die out here, all alone in the dark and cold, or have _them_,' meaning the enemy, 'come and carve me up. _Please_,' he said, '_please_.' He let his hands go and grabbed my rifle barrel." Brackenreid stopped there, swallowed, remembering the slithering of the man's guts when his hands took the rifle barrel and placed it on his own chest. He looked up at Julia. "I'd seen a man gut shot like that before too, a terrible hole in him and yet conscious, living, just waiting to die in agony."

Across in the other chair, Julia was barely breathing. Finally, she asked: "How did you decide? To do it?"

"Decide? I don't think it was like that. He wasn't going to make it. I knew that. He knew that. The enemy was on our heels, taking pot shots at anything they saw moving. The lad had heard battlefield rumors about British soldiers being mutilated. I never gave such talk much mind, but _he_ was as much afraid of that as anything," Brackenreid answered.

"And then?" she prompted. This was what she came for. It was his thinking she needed to hear, his understanding of it all from a man who had been faced with a similar situation. Kate Sullivan had understood part of it, but not this part. "How did you come to agree to his wishes?"

Brackenreid was pensive. A log fell in the grate while he found the right words. "Another soldier might have felt differently, but I imagined how I would feel if it was me. And he very clearly asked me to do it. I guess it was that simple, and there was no time to hesitate. I put a round in his heart and kept running."

Of course, it was not really that simple: if he'd been caught, he'd have been courts martialed and shot, so he told her that as well. "I knew it was not the first time something like that had transpired in the war...but that wasn't it, not the reason I thought it was acceptable...The thing is...I'd never killed someone so..." he struggled to say it right, "So... _intimately_ before. It was usually at the end of a rifle from fifty yards or more." Brackenreid's voice roughened. "I knew him. His name was Jenkins. I've never forgotten him. I'm not sure I'd have done it if it was a stranger."

Julia nodded. "Did you feel badly, afterward?"

"You mean did I have second thoughts? No, not really. Not in the moment. I _was_ worried about getting on the shit end for helping Jenkins, but this was a battlefield in the middle of the war." He leaned forward, thinking this is what she really came for. "Soldiers never talked about it, never in the open anyways. As far as I know, no one ever knew what I had done, and it was too much responsibility if I were to think about it." He paused to make sure she understood. "I forgave myself...eventually. I also never wanted to have to do that ever again."

Julia absorbed that.

She closed her eyes for a second in Brackenreid's pleasant, well-loved house. She flashed back to the hospital and what Nurse Sullivan had told her, especially at the end of their conversation. It had never occurred to her that the hospital could be damaged by her actions.

_That_ had given her pause. _Just one more thing I did not think through, _she chided herself_. _ She still had no second thoughts about helping Miss Cooper out of her suffering, although she was starting to regret the cascade of consequences her actions were bringing.

Julia opened her eyes, shaking off the memory. She then looked back at Tom who was patiently waiting for her to come back to the conversation. _Tom had talked about forgiveness._

"Forgiveness," she whispered. "William is not as forgiving."

Brackenreid gave a low grunt. "He was pursuing a murder investigation, doctor. You know how he gets!" His mouth twisted in an ironic smile, then fell into seriousness again. "You blindsided him. And you are the one angry with _him_ for being angry with _you_…"

When Julia tried to protest, he waved her off. He hadn't been going to those bloody marriage sessions without learning a thing or two. "Don't even try to deny it. He did what the law required him to do. I told you myself it was not something I could fix." He saw Julia nod. "He was more worried about losing you as a consequence of all this mess than anything else. We both were." His Yorkshire burr thickened with emotion. "I arrested you, yet here you are in my parlour, drinking my scotch, having a chinwag. You are not mad at me. It was Murdoch who refused to arrest you and he then went and got you out of jail," Brackenreid pointed out. "And he asked me to help you. Which I did."

Julia did not like hearing any of this, but it helped her to hear Tom out, especially because he had gone through something similar, made a choice like she did. It was even more helpful that Tom had heard _her _out. "You said you essentially think no one knows what they will do until the time comes, or the situation presents itself."

"Indeed. But then again, that is why we have rules and laws, so no one runs amok. That young girl was going to die and while she was taking her time of it, she was in terrible pain. Your actions saved her some hours of that. On the other hand, you broke the law _and_ one of the Commandments. William Murdoch, being William Murdoch, is going to have some measure of a problem with that."

Julia felt her face reddened, but try as she might, she could not disagree.

He saw that, so he continued. "I understand compassion, Julia. I have been there. It is an awesome power to be able to save…or end…a life." He looked at her solemnly. "Murdoch understands that mercy and justice are not always the same thing, and that it is honourable to act on one's conscience, even if it takes him a while to come around. You might want to remember that. As for the rest of it, if you can live with what you think _he_ has done, well..that is going to be up to you, too."

Brackenreid filled their drinks and the two of them sat, not talking, for a very long time.

Eventually, Julia drained her glass and prepared to leave, telling Tom thank you and goodbye. Over her shoulder on her way out, she made a wry quip accompanied by a smile.

"William Murdoch can still be an ass…"

...Then, speak of the devil, Julia nearly tripped over him.

William shot to his feet the moment she closed the Brackenreid door behind her. "Julia?"

Julia jumped - he nearly scared her to death. "What are you doing here?" she squeaked, wondering if he'd heard her name-calling.

"I am waiting for you." William said the obvious. He was afraid she'd run again, so he reached out, asking for her hand and held his breath a long minute until she gave it. "Please come home."

This time it was Julia who would not look at him. Instead, she kept her gaze on his hand. "How did you find me?"

He shrugged his shoulders, then gestured to himself with his other hand. "Um...detective…?" When she did not smile at him at his weak humour, he tried again. "I needed to see you, talk with you, so I tried the hospital, then here. I saw you and the Inspector in the window. So I waited."

She drew her face up towards his, noticing for the first time how William was shivering in the cold. "You want to talk to me?" Julia's complaints rose to her tongue. She tried to make her voice harsh. "About what? The law? Your faith? Your job? What I did?"

Wiliam felt his heart squeeze. He inhaled then said "No," simply, quietly.

Julia was startled; that was the last thing she expected. "No?" Her question slipped out despite herself.

William mustered all his sincerity, praying Julia would see it in his eyes. "No. Not about any of that. I want to talk about my reaction, about what I did, or rather, didn't do." By the look on her face, he feared his words were having no effect. In his mind he chastised himself for foolishness. Why should she speak with him when he had refused her, triggering this whole mess in the first place. William called her name softly anyway. "Julia?" His pulse thudded as he waited a long time for her answer.

"That is not enough, William." Julia's own voice was soft and steady. She was afraid William was going to retreat again, back into his silence. In her heart she was hoping he was going to understand what she needed.

_Not enough? Did that mean she is through with me?_ William felt his heart in his feet. What was going to be enough? What was going to be enough to get her to come home with him, to agree to struggle through their differences again? This one was going to be very hard and fraught with complications. He knew he was going to need her to acknowledge having some role in this conflict between them, and that he might have to accept his need going unmet.

William also knew he had to make this right, but had no idea what to say that was going to be clever enough or persuasive enough. It seemed he really did not know what she wanted from him, so he defaulted to the truth, the only refuge he could find. "I love you and I let you down when you expected my support." His voice cracked. "I did not acknowledge the distress you were in. I am so, so sorry."

Julia closed the distance between them, his words opening her up to the possibility that William letting her down did not mean William was rejecting her or no longer loved her. It was quite a revelation. She put her lips near his cheek and ear. "It is not the first time we have found ourselves like this. William, I know my actions have hurt you as well. It was not my intention. I think we will have to sleep on it, William. There is so much to try and discuss. If we are both willing to try..."

The warmth of her breath on his face was heavenly. "...Then we can get through this together," he finished. "Will you come home, with me?"

She took both his hands in hers, determined to face all of the consequences with him. "Yes, William. Let's go home."

**-END-**


End file.
